Same ¦

Thank you for this.

I also have Thanatophobia.

Same, I can’t stand it.

I have a combined fear of the dark, doors and being alone. I’m afraid to be alone in a room or a place where there is a door, especially slightly ajar, behind which is dark, or if there is anything obstructing my view and I don’t know what is behind it. This fear gets stronger after everyone at home falls asleep before me, and there are no lights or sounds of their presence. I try to sleep with my dog and it helps a lot, but he goes to sleep around 21. And I usually around midnight. My dad is a late sleeper and he usually goes to sleep at 2, so the whole house is lit, and I don’t feel alone at all. But yesterday he had to go to sleep earlier and at 00:30 I was so afraid to move, that I only gathered the courage to turn off the light at 1:45. Due to the radiators and other stuff creaking I panicked. I laid in bed for half an hour terrified and with a stomach hurting from fear. And I ran to wake up my parents so that one of them would sleep with me. The worst part is that I’m afraid that precisely the moment that I stop being afraid and lose my vigilance, something bad will happen and someone/something hiding in the dark will hurt me. I also don’t want to watch horror movies, even the not too scary ones. I’m not too afraid during the movie, but it heightens my fear afterwards. My mum and boyfriend don’t really understand and when I tell them I’m afraid they try to scare me even more for fun. I’m 20, this is not normal. What can I do?

Hi Emy,

I hope this message reaches you. The world is objectively a scary place. But if everyone stayed in a dark room, you wouldn’t have been born at all. However tragic the events shown in media may be, the world is a happier and safer place than it ever was. This is hard to believe, but there are objective studies on this, from many different perspectives – food safety, shelter availability, quality of education and medicine, ability to be free and do your own thing without someone killing you for it, the relative scale of wars etc. Many areas of the world are still sort of living in dark ages, but this is slowly changing. What you see in the media is, to a large degree, the reports on how slow and painful this change is.

I once counted that if you consider a generation to be roughly 20 years and the common way to count the history of mankind, then there were about 6000 women who gave birth (many of them in horrific circumstances) in order for you to be born. That’s a lot of people!

Imagine that lineage of brave and strong people behind you. They weren’t perfect, they simply did the best they could, but they survived long enough to deliver babies, feed them and eventually to make you. Their wisdom and power is in your every cell. You too have the ability to make choices, to go out there and face whatever your life will bring.

Your challenges may be new and different, but they are not likely to be harder than those of your ancestors. Wherever you go, feel them going with you. Be proud of them and think of it all as an absolute miracle. You are here, you are healthy, you have choices, you have power. If they could talk to you, they would say “You have everything we hoped for and fought for. What are you waiting for? Go!”

I hope this helps. There is the old saying of “There’s nothing to fear except fear itself.” I tell you that this is true. Believe me and you’ll see. I’m someone who does a lot of stuff that is officially considered impossible. I run projects where we help disabled children and I’ve seen many “miracle recoveries.” I grew up in a Communist regime in which I would have likely been killed, given how outspoken I am, but I made it somehow and here I am, 30 years of freedom behind me and “doing the impossible.”

Don’t let any fear stop you. Acknowledge it, embrace it, thank it for letting you know that something is important and significant. Then take a deep breath and go, do it anyway. Don’t fight your fears, take them for a ride. Half-way through it, they will be gone.

I am currently only 11 and I have realized that I have many phobias, things that when I think about them I have panic attacks. I have chronophobia the fear of the future. It scares me to think that out in the world, so much is happening, and if I just sit in the dark or a quiet place and think about all the things happening, it genuinely terrifies me. I need help. I do not have a single clue what to do if someone wants to try and help me.

That is not how it works. They can’t just ‘face their fear’. They need help. Phobias are irrational. They cause panic. And a fear of school can only be found by facing the fear, and still fearing it.